So...
As 2016 draws to an end and I've noticed a lot of people talking about how it has been a bit of a shitty year it has made me think about the last year for me, and the several leading up to it! (lets hope the 7 year cycle theory is correct cause quite honestly I'm due for a gap year).
Honestly I am feeling a mix of emotions. For me, the next week is a big time of transition. A few years ago I was a broken man. I arrived in Broome two and a half years ago feeling a bit like Humpty Dumpty and viewed it as an experiment to see if I could get back on with life again. If you have read my previous posts you know why.
In 2016 I suffered three extremely intense panic attacks that left me in a shock like state and incapacitated for a day or two after. The medication I took to treat this, I honestly feel, made my day to day life harder and at some times felt unbearable. I would wake up hours before I had to, tossing and turning so frequently you would think I was having a fit. I felt vague, queasy, forgetful,.. I would sweat so much I looked like the girl from The Ring...for a few months it wasn't unusual for me to throw up at least twice a day, usually before going to work and then again when I went for 'lunch'.
I say this not because I think it was a terrible year, or years but because I made a choice I would not give in to this. I chose that I would work through this, like the stuff before it, and I looked forward to the day when I no longer had to take this medication that made my life a misery, when I no longer grieved quite so hard for someone I loved so much. I chose to focus on the fact that one day I would get to the stage where I would be able to say "yeah that was bloody shit but it no longer defines my existence".
So, aside from the specific issues of 2016 as I said I got to Broome over two years ago, broken, hadn't worked full time in about 2 years. Moved here for a barista role and I wasn't even sure if I could still make coffee! Since then Ive been promoted twice (so I cant be all bad?) - In two days, Friday 30th it will be my last shift. I will celebrate a New Year and a new start. A few days later I will be moving on from Broome and a certain period of my life.
Like I said, I have mixed emotions. The Broome experience has had its nasty sides but it has also proved Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again... but he DOES need the aid of all the King's Horses and all the Kings Men. I will be saying goodbye to a place that has helped heal me an a place that helped me suffer in a way I never expected.
I am looking forward to a future where I have put the pain and trauma of the past 7 years behind me. Not because I am running from it but because I have worked damn hard to move past it.
I do NOT expect there will be no hiccups. I do NOT expect everything will be perfect. I DO know I am able to face whatever challenges I come across. I DO know I have the love and support of many people who will help me through them. I CHOOSE to be stronger. I CHOOSE to have a happier life. (even if its motherfucking hard sometimes)
On top of this all,... I had my first checkup since I (re)started HIV treatment a few months ago. I guess it is the icing on the cake for me. I am now undetectable (ok so for those of you who still don't know, and you should by now - undetectable means the medication I am taking has reduced the amount of the virus in my blood to an extent where if I were to take a blood test now you wouldn't be able to find it. This also means it is virtually impossible for me to pass it on to someone else - and aside from putting on 10KG there have been no side effects.) It is again another issue I struggled with this year as after arriving in Broome I have abandoned my treatment when things got tough and months of moving state to state.
I don't believe its something someone should be lauded for but I do quietly hope it is a sign that the effort I have put in to helping and healing myself is starting to pay off.
So to cut a long story short... (too late!)
To EVERYONE out there, I know it might feel like a shit at times, and I'm not going to tell you that things are going to get fixed overnight, but please please please stick in there and accept the love and support of those want to share it with you. I do, and I want to.
Thanks for reading (skim?)
JorDAMN
