So...
As 2016 draws to an end and I've noticed a lot of people talking about how it has been a bit of a shitty year it has made me think about the last year for me, and the several leading up to it! (lets hope the 7 year cycle theory is correct cause quite honestly I'm due for a gap year).
Honestly I am feeling a mix of emotions. For me, the next week is a big time of transition. A few years ago I was a broken man. I arrived in Broome two and a half years ago feeling a bit like Humpty Dumpty and viewed it as an experiment to see if I could get back on with life again. If you have read my previous posts you know why.
In 2016 I suffered three extremely intense panic attacks that left me in a shock like state and incapacitated for a day or two after. The medication I took to treat this, I honestly feel, made my day to day life harder and at some times felt unbearable. I would wake up hours before I had to, tossing and turning so frequently you would think I was having a fit. I felt vague, queasy, forgetful,.. I would sweat so much I looked like the girl from The Ring...for a few months it wasn't unusual for me to throw up at least twice a day, usually before going to work and then again when I went for 'lunch'.
I say this not because I think it was a terrible year, or years but because I made a choice I would not give in to this. I chose that I would work through this, like the stuff before it, and I looked forward to the day when I no longer had to take this medication that made my life a misery, when I no longer grieved quite so hard for someone I loved so much. I chose to focus on the fact that one day I would get to the stage where I would be able to say "yeah that was bloody shit but it no longer defines my existence".
So, aside from the specific issues of 2016 as I said I got to Broome over two years ago, broken, hadn't worked full time in about 2 years. Moved here for a barista role and I wasn't even sure if I could still make coffee! Since then Ive been promoted twice (so I cant be all bad?) - In two days, Friday 30th it will be my last shift. I will celebrate a New Year and a new start. A few days later I will be moving on from Broome and a certain period of my life.
Like I said, I have mixed emotions. The Broome experience has had its nasty sides but it has also proved Humpty Dumpty can be put back together again... but he DOES need the aid of all the King's Horses and all the Kings Men. I will be saying goodbye to a place that has helped heal me an a place that helped me suffer in a way I never expected.
I am looking forward to a future where I have put the pain and trauma of the past 7 years behind me. Not because I am running from it but because I have worked damn hard to move past it.
I do NOT expect there will be no hiccups. I do NOT expect everything will be perfect. I DO know I am able to face whatever challenges I come across. I DO know I have the love and support of many people who will help me through them. I CHOOSE to be stronger. I CHOOSE to have a happier life. (even if its motherfucking hard sometimes)
On top of this all,... I had my first checkup since I (re)started HIV treatment a few months ago. I guess it is the icing on the cake for me. I am now undetectable (ok so for those of you who still don't know, and you should by now - undetectable means the medication I am taking has reduced the amount of the virus in my blood to an extent where if I were to take a blood test now you wouldn't be able to find it. This also means it is virtually impossible for me to pass it on to someone else - and aside from putting on 10KG there have been no side effects.) It is again another issue I struggled with this year as after arriving in Broome I have abandoned my treatment when things got tough and months of moving state to state.
I don't believe its something someone should be lauded for but I do quietly hope it is a sign that the effort I have put in to helping and healing myself is starting to pay off.
So to cut a long story short... (too late!)
To EVERYONE out there, I know it might feel like a shit at times, and I'm not going to tell you that things are going to get fixed overnight, but please please please stick in there and accept the love and support of those want to share it with you. I do, and I want to.
Thanks for reading (skim?)
JorDAMN
Wednesday 28 December 2016
Monday 14 March 2016
movement
so remember how i was going to start writing? hah!good luck
nows as good a time as any right?
so...
updates - #thebrutalhonesttruth
feel like ive developed a lot over the last few years as much as ive stalled.
ive often thought that ive grown and gotten over all of my shit only to find out soon after than im far more messed up than i had imagined. overall im happy and accepting the fact that im going to have these moments has been a big part in that.
thought i was getting back on track, then realised i either had to leave brisbane or leave... i chose to leave brisbane. it took a massive loan and im still in debt. but im here.
as it is often the way with me i got things back to front. i decided i was good and ready to go and move to a bigger brand new city and start fresh... well that turned out horribly and i almost ended up on the streets and then went to adelaide to spend some healing time with my family.
if i could go back in time id have left brisbane and gone into the amazing loving care of my family straight away until i was strong enough to pick myself up again.
unfortunately hindsight actually isnt an amazing thing, its a fucking bitch. its like someone saying "yeah i totatlly knew you were going to fuck things up but instead of saying anything i decided to sit back and enjoy the show"
that being said Hind Sight could be my new stage name
eventually i decided i had to give one last crack at things. ive always been one to push on but i was at the stage i wasnt sure if i could fit back into 'normal society' which ive only just recognised the irony of as ive actually never cared to do so. it makes me wonder if the past 8 years have been a total waste of energy when i could have gone 'fuck you, ill do whatever i want'
anyway thats how i ended up taking a job in one of the most remote locations on earth. broome. got there being hired as a barista after not working for nearly 2 years. wasnt even sure if i could make coffee when i first got there, thought i might get fired in the first few weeks.
apparently its just like riding a bike because im still there.
despite anxiety, panic attacks, way more drugs and alcohol than any living being should ever consume... i got through.
i still have my moments, im still a strage little weird guy... but i got through...
its not the fucking oscars but there are so many people that dont know how thankful i am for the love and support they gave me.
my parents allen and jenny, my sister alicia and of course the energiser bunny of my nephew taylor jordan, all of my lady friends from brisbane, stephanie, katie, juliana, tanya, who i some day i get to see now that im almost a nomrally functioning person or as close to it as i ever was... you were all there to support me from the start and despite advice i recieved telling me not to confide i stuck with my gut and you wwere all more than anyone could have ever hoped for. marcus (thankyou for accepting me at my worst, i hope we get to hang out again and you get to see a better me) jacinta and sophie... id not have made it through those first few weeks if it wasnt for you baby sitting me. julian and tony... i know not everyone would understand or agree but you both helped me get through something i doubt id have managed without you. mel, mel mel... what can i even say... just thankyou. shannon for always being a mate, always... pauly for giving me the experience i needed without having to go through it, youre literally a life saver, dave, although youll probably never read this, you had a massive impact on my life and i hope one day i get to thank you in person. andy and corey for giving me shelter when i needed it. my broome family.... danni, sondra, glen, josh, carly,... by no means last priera... i know at times it probably seemed like i was the most messed up person you'd ever known but you all helped be to reintergrate back into the world and without your support and acceptance i woudnt have made it. youve all literally played a part in saving my life... and hey yall probably pay the price for that later ;)
and justin... i can probably start a whole post just about you. you understood me when no one else did. you showed me intimacy when i thought i was incapable of it. i dont know if you were consciously aware at the time how much of an impact you had on my life but without the phonecalls, the texts, the visit... if we never speak again you will still will have been one of the most beneficial influences on my life and youve never asked or expected anything from me. thankyou.
i know ive probably missed dozens. and im sorry. so many of you have helped played a part in my growth but after several pints and trying to edit im about done.
either way...
thankyou.
p.s. last but not least id like to thank my nan Dorothy. I feel like without you influence in my life I wouldn't at all be the person I am today with the strength and humour that i survive on. #totalnannasboy
Im still in debt, im still a bit anti social, i can still be really awkward, havent gone on a date or been laid in years...
but i feel like im making progress
i think i can... i think i can... i know i can
nows as good a time as any right?
so...
updates - #thebrutalhonesttruth
feel like ive developed a lot over the last few years as much as ive stalled.
ive often thought that ive grown and gotten over all of my shit only to find out soon after than im far more messed up than i had imagined. overall im happy and accepting the fact that im going to have these moments has been a big part in that.
thought i was getting back on track, then realised i either had to leave brisbane or leave... i chose to leave brisbane. it took a massive loan and im still in debt. but im here.
as it is often the way with me i got things back to front. i decided i was good and ready to go and move to a bigger brand new city and start fresh... well that turned out horribly and i almost ended up on the streets and then went to adelaide to spend some healing time with my family.
if i could go back in time id have left brisbane and gone into the amazing loving care of my family straight away until i was strong enough to pick myself up again.
unfortunately hindsight actually isnt an amazing thing, its a fucking bitch. its like someone saying "yeah i totatlly knew you were going to fuck things up but instead of saying anything i decided to sit back and enjoy the show"
that being said Hind Sight could be my new stage name
eventually i decided i had to give one last crack at things. ive always been one to push on but i was at the stage i wasnt sure if i could fit back into 'normal society' which ive only just recognised the irony of as ive actually never cared to do so. it makes me wonder if the past 8 years have been a total waste of energy when i could have gone 'fuck you, ill do whatever i want'
anyway thats how i ended up taking a job in one of the most remote locations on earth. broome. got there being hired as a barista after not working for nearly 2 years. wasnt even sure if i could make coffee when i first got there, thought i might get fired in the first few weeks.
apparently its just like riding a bike because im still there.
despite anxiety, panic attacks, way more drugs and alcohol than any living being should ever consume... i got through.
i still have my moments, im still a strage little weird guy... but i got through...
its not the fucking oscars but there are so many people that dont know how thankful i am for the love and support they gave me.
my parents allen and jenny, my sister alicia and of course the energiser bunny of my nephew taylor jordan, all of my lady friends from brisbane, stephanie, katie, juliana, tanya, who i some day i get to see now that im almost a nomrally functioning person or as close to it as i ever was... you were all there to support me from the start and despite advice i recieved telling me not to confide i stuck with my gut and you wwere all more than anyone could have ever hoped for. marcus (thankyou for accepting me at my worst, i hope we get to hang out again and you get to see a better me) jacinta and sophie... id not have made it through those first few weeks if it wasnt for you baby sitting me. julian and tony... i know not everyone would understand or agree but you both helped me get through something i doubt id have managed without you. mel, mel mel... what can i even say... just thankyou. shannon for always being a mate, always... pauly for giving me the experience i needed without having to go through it, youre literally a life saver, dave, although youll probably never read this, you had a massive impact on my life and i hope one day i get to thank you in person. andy and corey for giving me shelter when i needed it. my broome family.... danni, sondra, glen, josh, carly,... by no means last priera... i know at times it probably seemed like i was the most messed up person you'd ever known but you all helped be to reintergrate back into the world and without your support and acceptance i woudnt have made it. youve all literally played a part in saving my life... and hey yall probably pay the price for that later ;)
and justin... i can probably start a whole post just about you. you understood me when no one else did. you showed me intimacy when i thought i was incapable of it. i dont know if you were consciously aware at the time how much of an impact you had on my life but without the phonecalls, the texts, the visit... if we never speak again you will still will have been one of the most beneficial influences on my life and youve never asked or expected anything from me. thankyou.
i know ive probably missed dozens. and im sorry. so many of you have helped played a part in my growth but after several pints and trying to edit im about done.
either way...
thankyou.
p.s. last but not least id like to thank my nan Dorothy. I feel like without you influence in my life I wouldn't at all be the person I am today with the strength and humour that i survive on. #totalnannasboy
Im still in debt, im still a bit anti social, i can still be really awkward, havent gone on a date or been laid in years...
but i feel like im making progress
i think i can... i think i can... i know i can
Monday 6 April 2015
a long long time ago
so not really knowing where to start I guess ill go with the stuff that's been most influential in my life over the past 5 years to play a bit of catch up for those of you who don't know the full story
im a hiv + gay man and a few years ago I sat by the side of my soul mate while he experienced a pretty horrific "80's style" AIDS death. It came at a time of universal shit happening and kinda crushed the absolute life out of me. everything since then has been me trying to rebuild. sometimes I wish I were more like the hare than the tortoise but every step is progress ;)
ive always been a fan of chronological story telling so Im going to cut straight to something I wrote nearly 4 years ago to explain a lot of the detail. it gets you up to speed pretty fast but please remember it was written, and unedited quite some time ago and well, shit moves on.
ill never be able to sum up all of the intricate details and complications of the events but this is an attempt and retelling what happened. im doing this as a record for myself. im doing it because i get sick of typing for 45 mintues to recount the same story for people over and over again. and im doing it for jeff. for us. this is our story.
jeff and i had a very intense relationship. there was something special we had, but a lot of it was just a terrible experience. but i dont want to go into too much detail aside from to let it be known that, even though i will tell you i love him, and he was my best friend, he treated me terribly. lied cheated stole destroyed property, he was mentally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. still, i loved him the whole time.
eventually i had enough an ended the relationship for good. a few months later someone that i had known to be his friend approached me to say they wanted me to know they didnt believe all the things jeff had said about me. i had no idea what that was so we caught up for a chat. i found out a lot of unpleasant things. one thing being he had told people I have Hep C and had seen paperwork at my house to proove it. - something didnt feel right about it. while we were together he had told me he had overheard other people saying this about me. it was enough to make me feel something was up. i got checked, was told i look in great health and almost have nothing to be worried about. the tests came back hiv +
my doctors wanted to know if it had come from jeff or from an encounter since i had been single so I asked jeff to get tested and provide proof he was negative. for the next 3-4 months there was excuse after excuse why it didnt happen. got tested, forgot to get a printout, got tested, didnt get back to the doctor in time for results. etc etc, eventually when his new boyfriend arrived back in the country they both got tested. - during this time, jeff and i slept together once, it was instigated by jeff. we used condoms. - about 3 weeks after he slipped some comment into conversation that the condom broke - jeff and his boyfriend both tested positive, jeff made a comments to suggest it must have happened when the condom broke, and that he must have passed it onto his bf in the 48 he had been back in the country before they got the bloodtests.
jeff would likely have been positive for about 10 years, certainly a long time before i met him. i cant say for sure when jeff knew himself, but i have to tell two versions of the truth. jeff had no idea at all and was in complete denial. and. jeff was aware. there are enough things that prove that at the very latest when jeff moved away to live with his family during our breakup, he was aware he was hiv positive. but, he was a troubled person. my belief is that both versions are true.
jeffs results showed him at being late stage aids. a cd4 count of about 10 and viral load over a million. he went straight to hospital, turns out that ongoing cough was pneumonia. his health suddenly started to decline, as if his own denial had been keeping him healthy. before christmas they found cancer in his lymph nodes and had a biospy done. the wound got infected causing septicemia and cellulitis and was taken to emergency where his heart stopped. he was revived, but it was a slow recovery and jeff spent very little time outside of the hospital from this point on.
the next few months were spent trying to battle everything that was going wrong. but there was a lot. and everything you did to fix one thing, made something else worse. i wont go into much more detail, but the next 3 months i spent a lot of time by his bed. his boyfriend rarely spent much time with him and jeff was trying to keep this from his friends and family. i started to see his mood dropping, made contact with his friends and family so they could perk him up. but he got worse first. his visitors did make an improvement, i believe they gave him an extra week or two of life, but in the end it was too much and his body shut down.his boyfriend his mother and i were in the room when the machines were turned off. i held his hand the entire time, it felt so familiar to me, id held it so many times, and this would be the last time id ever hold it. i didnt want to forget how it felt.
that day i lost someone i cared for deeply, someone who had treated me worse than any other person will ever be given the chance to, someone i loved unconditionally, and i lost my best friend. my go to person for everything! barely a day went past without us talking. i also saw him die needlessly of a disease that could have been treated, because he refused to take responsibility, a disease he willingly passed on to me. i saw worst case scenario, upclose.
anyway thats about it, thanks for taking the time to get through that
let me know if you have any questions ;)
basic timeline -
jeff and i meet early 2007
august 2008 move to bribane
mid 2009 jeff moves to Casino
may 2010 jeff moves back
about sept 2010 the final breakup
jeffs mate approaches me march 2011
diagnosed april 28 2011
around july/aug 2011 jeff diagnosed
jeff in hospital serious condition early jan 2012
jeff passes march 29 2012
im a hiv + gay man and a few years ago I sat by the side of my soul mate while he experienced a pretty horrific "80's style" AIDS death. It came at a time of universal shit happening and kinda crushed the absolute life out of me. everything since then has been me trying to rebuild. sometimes I wish I were more like the hare than the tortoise but every step is progress ;)
ive always been a fan of chronological story telling so Im going to cut straight to something I wrote nearly 4 years ago to explain a lot of the detail. it gets you up to speed pretty fast but please remember it was written, and unedited quite some time ago and well, shit moves on.
ill never be able to sum up all of the intricate details and complications of the events but this is an attempt and retelling what happened. im doing this as a record for myself. im doing it because i get sick of typing for 45 mintues to recount the same story for people over and over again. and im doing it for jeff. for us. this is our story.
jeff and i had a very intense relationship. there was something special we had, but a lot of it was just a terrible experience. but i dont want to go into too much detail aside from to let it be known that, even though i will tell you i love him, and he was my best friend, he treated me terribly. lied cheated stole destroyed property, he was mentally and emotionally manipulative and abusive. still, i loved him the whole time.
eventually i had enough an ended the relationship for good. a few months later someone that i had known to be his friend approached me to say they wanted me to know they didnt believe all the things jeff had said about me. i had no idea what that was so we caught up for a chat. i found out a lot of unpleasant things. one thing being he had told people I have Hep C and had seen paperwork at my house to proove it. - something didnt feel right about it. while we were together he had told me he had overheard other people saying this about me. it was enough to make me feel something was up. i got checked, was told i look in great health and almost have nothing to be worried about. the tests came back hiv +
my doctors wanted to know if it had come from jeff or from an encounter since i had been single so I asked jeff to get tested and provide proof he was negative. for the next 3-4 months there was excuse after excuse why it didnt happen. got tested, forgot to get a printout, got tested, didnt get back to the doctor in time for results. etc etc, eventually when his new boyfriend arrived back in the country they both got tested. - during this time, jeff and i slept together once, it was instigated by jeff. we used condoms. - about 3 weeks after he slipped some comment into conversation that the condom broke - jeff and his boyfriend both tested positive, jeff made a comments to suggest it must have happened when the condom broke, and that he must have passed it onto his bf in the 48 he had been back in the country before they got the bloodtests.
jeff would likely have been positive for about 10 years, certainly a long time before i met him. i cant say for sure when jeff knew himself, but i have to tell two versions of the truth. jeff had no idea at all and was in complete denial. and. jeff was aware. there are enough things that prove that at the very latest when jeff moved away to live with his family during our breakup, he was aware he was hiv positive. but, he was a troubled person. my belief is that both versions are true.
jeffs results showed him at being late stage aids. a cd4 count of about 10 and viral load over a million. he went straight to hospital, turns out that ongoing cough was pneumonia. his health suddenly started to decline, as if his own denial had been keeping him healthy. before christmas they found cancer in his lymph nodes and had a biospy done. the wound got infected causing septicemia and cellulitis and was taken to emergency where his heart stopped. he was revived, but it was a slow recovery and jeff spent very little time outside of the hospital from this point on.
the next few months were spent trying to battle everything that was going wrong. but there was a lot. and everything you did to fix one thing, made something else worse. i wont go into much more detail, but the next 3 months i spent a lot of time by his bed. his boyfriend rarely spent much time with him and jeff was trying to keep this from his friends and family. i started to see his mood dropping, made contact with his friends and family so they could perk him up. but he got worse first. his visitors did make an improvement, i believe they gave him an extra week or two of life, but in the end it was too much and his body shut down.his boyfriend his mother and i were in the room when the machines were turned off. i held his hand the entire time, it felt so familiar to me, id held it so many times, and this would be the last time id ever hold it. i didnt want to forget how it felt.
that day i lost someone i cared for deeply, someone who had treated me worse than any other person will ever be given the chance to, someone i loved unconditionally, and i lost my best friend. my go to person for everything! barely a day went past without us talking. i also saw him die needlessly of a disease that could have been treated, because he refused to take responsibility, a disease he willingly passed on to me. i saw worst case scenario, upclose.
anyway thats about it, thanks for taking the time to get through that
let me know if you have any questions ;)
basic timeline -
jeff and i meet early 2007
august 2008 move to bribane
mid 2009 jeff moves to Casino
may 2010 jeff moves back
about sept 2010 the final breakup
jeffs mate approaches me march 2011
diagnosed april 28 2011
around july/aug 2011 jeff diagnosed
jeff in hospital serious condition early jan 2012
jeff passes march 29 2012
if it dont fit, spit
So,.. people tell me I should write stuff. Despite popular belief I occasionally give in to what other people want so I'm going to give it a shot. Please be gentle, I'm new at this... entertaining people is so much easier when its at my own whim and there's no performance pressure. Like I care what people think anyway right?
I guess that's the conundrum. People have often praised me on my unfiltered "this is me" attitude, and that is pretty much how I am. But... I feel a bit like I don't live up to just how 'real' people think they are getting from me.
So I guess here is my first attempt at living up to what other people see in me. I'm gonna try to give you 100% Jordan!
soooooo...... where do we start??
I guess that's the conundrum. People have often praised me on my unfiltered "this is me" attitude, and that is pretty much how I am. But... I feel a bit like I don't live up to just how 'real' people think they are getting from me.
So I guess here is my first attempt at living up to what other people see in me. I'm gonna try to give you 100% Jordan!
soooooo...... where do we start??
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